When I think about my group of Bangladeshi acquaintances and friends, it appears that the number of Bangladeshi men who are involved with women of other racial backgrounds is quite large. These men are not merely dating the women on a casual basis- more often than not, they are in serious long term relationships that sometimes leads to marriage. On the flip side, the number of Bangladeshi women that I know, who are dating men of other races, is very small.

I don’t know if there is any one reason behind this phenomenon. Perhaps we as Bangladeshi women are so conditioned to be the perfect daughter who follows all the set societal norms and rules that even when we are interested in dating men from other racial backgrounds, we automatically limit ourselves. Maybe we consider it a stigma, it is not something that we proudly acknowledge, fearing that we are violating the societal norms and veering away from the definition of a Bangladeshi woman that we have been inculcated with. When parents find out that their son is dating a bideshi, there is often a feeling of Ohh boys will be boys, these things are bound to happen. But if it is someone’s daughter, it is something that is often quickly hidden from friends and relatives, a point of contention between the girl and her parents, the source of angry words, heated emotions, and eventually a grudging acceptance or weakening of the relationship. Society therefore is among one of the factors that we as women rightly or wrongly consider when deciding to be an inter-racial relationship.

I had spoken to a number of my friends, both male and female to find out what they thought about this subject. One of my Bangladeshi male friends talked about the anthropology behind male female relationships. Women have always been seen as the emblem of the family, the tribe, the nation. By maintaining the purity of the women, society at large feels as if it is maintaining its own purity. That is why crimes against women, are often not just crimes against themselves, but are taken as crimes against their families. Others mentioned the religious factor. Muslim men are allowed to marry non-Muslim women as children take on the father’s religion. If a woman marries a non-Muslim man, she is lost from the tribe forever. There is often an automatic assumption that someone from another race would also be non-Muslim, a dual betrayal so to speak.

In cases where the girls leave home for overseas study, the parents might want the girl to be married off before she is allowed to leave her home and go overseas. Or the parents might want the girl to live close to a relative or a family friend which might limit the girl’s chances of being involved in an inter-racial relationship.  Others mentioned security as an important factor in a relationship. If someone is looking for a long term relationship, they might be afraid that security and permanence would be missing from an inter-racial relationship.

The list of factors that I talked about is by no means exhaustive. At the end of the day, each one of us has our own unique experiences that shape our choices and decisions including the decision about being involved in inter-racial relationships.