The word ‘dawaat’ has a different connotation for expatriates of Bangladesh, it is a term for Bangladeshi party. When it comes to partying, Bangladeshis are all about food, we can call dawaats food festivals as well! Sometimes there is a hidden competition as to which party offered more entres. Really, is it the trait that we people like to feed and eat?
But that’s not all, there is more! It also includes chatting; we call it ‘adda’. In Bangladesh I was very much fond of addas, call me ‘adda-baaj’ with friends or families. I always learnt something new in those discussions, or at least gained pure joy of being with friends.
For Bangladeshi expatriates adda has taken a different shape in the form of dawaat. Here, we go to a party being all dressed up. Most of the cases male and female areas are separated. If you go with your husband or a male friend (although there is a risk of generating gossip if you are an unmarried women and taking a male friend with you), there is a risk that you won’t see him for the next few hours until the party is over. It seems to me to be the old days of ‘Andar Mahal’ (inner house for women); it also seems funny in a way that the same women who are working with both men and women in their real lives become ‘Antopoor Bashinis’ (captive women) here!
Then comes the adda part, the discussion. In male area, stock market, career etc. can be some of the main topics. But nothing can supercede some heated discussion over Bangladeshi politics and how everything in Bangladesh is going wrong. My knowledge about male discussion is limited though since I am not allowed in there. In female area, topics usually revolve around children, cooking, saari, jewelry, a recent BD tv show etc. I am not a big fan of jewelries or generally speaking, any kind of symbols of consumerism. So oftentimes I become a misfit in this type of discussion. I usually like to share my thoughts with my husband, who is a good friend of mine. So when the party is over and I get to see him, what a relief I can talk to him now!
I can never understand this segregation in dawaats. Male-female separation in the traditional society was created when women were considered inferior and weren’t allowed to mingle with the society, when home was the only area for them. I thought we have passed those behind. So why are we bringing back those backward days? And why do I see smart and educated women settling for this? I don’t know. May be you readers can give some insights regarding this.
However, not all dawaats are like these. I have been in dawaats where it becomes a real adda with friends; we talk for hours passing midnight. Sometimes in small groups, adda becomes real effective. Food does not take over but the interaction does, discussion becomes constructive and thoughtful. Well, it does not always have to be thoughtful as long as you enjoy the company of your friends. And I really enjoy those types of dawaats!
February 5th, 2007 at 4:59 pm
Speaking of adda, sometimes, even when there is no segregation, the conversations can get redundant and mundane. I often find myself in a group where everyone, regardless of gender, seems to be discussing romance, another person’s weakness, or some sort of gossip. It’s true that humans tend to enjoy absorbing such juicy information, especially when it does not involve a related party, but how can we grow intellectually if we never break out of this rut? Can we come up with a healthy conversational diet where we can assign x% to no-brainer talks and y% to stimulating dialogues?
February 5th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
Great topic! Good point Sawsan. We often talk about this with our friends. I think you have described a very typical dawaat situation in US no matter which state you live in. I am not very fond of these myself. But I do enjoy small adda’s and intimate close friends groups where we actually get to know the other person and enjoy their company. In those situations, most of the time, there is no division between male/female and mostly everyone is together. Also one thing to keep in mind, for young generations, the typical dawaat scene which you described does not apply very much. For those of us who came here on our own (not after getting married) have our own friends and the interactions between male and female are much different and the topics discussed is different and fun. Also, we tend to mix not only with Bengali’s and have friends of all background.
I love to entertain, so I strongly love the “food” part of dawaats. When it becomes a competition as you mentioned, its not to much fun any more, everyone tries to make a new dish or tries to prove how many “items” they can make. I am extremely social person and love to meet new people, so I don’t mind going to dawaats if it fits my schedule. But the thing which bothers me the most about Bengali Dawaats are that if you can’t make it to one, people tend to “mind”. And sometimes you feel obligated to go, and that’s what makes the dawaats more of a responsibility. I don’t face this at all with my American friends. Also, I don’t like to hang out with the same group all the time, I have different friends from work, school, musical events, different age groups and I like to have different kinds of socializing (go to a movie with friends, adda over tea, go to a museum, fair or concert together, game night etc.) But for some reason I observed that Bengali’s are quite content with their same group every single weekend, it’s the same food, same people, same dawaat, just at different houses or venues. Don’t they ever get bored? A lot of times after graduating from college, Bengali’s don’t tend to socialize with anyone other than Bengali’s other than at work. Also, what about this rule? You can never repeat your clothes? This one is really something, people do remember what you wore at what event, even if you forgot.
But at the end of the day, I am a Bengali and I do love the fact that we have this hospitality trait in our culture. We don’t wait till Christmas or Thanksgiving to make a big meal. We sometimes just do it for our family, or just for your friends who comes over without notice. We love our get together with friends which revolves around music and leads to all night adda. These are much more informal and fun. Dawaats can have good parts and be entertaining in our busy society, but we just have to see whats best for us. I feel that we should not attend a dawaat or invite people just because it’s the norm and everyone expects us to follow it.
February 6th, 2007 at 12:17 am
Super! You are breaking new grounds. Really good observation. Though our men and women are out of the physical box, the phychological one is still there. It is not going away easily.
I have tried discussing preassigned topics after dinner for discussion in Major parties in our house for Chrismas and a few other occasions. Like discussing about “reservation” for women. Or discussing about whether men should take equal part in family chores. The first thing was I was lucky that we had a big enough living room to seat 25 plus. in a circular manner face to face. There were a few Universtiy professors and our discussions went very well.
But I had to consciously make an effort, probably because this is the beginning and people don’t have experience of such mixing, it does not come naturally. We have to make effort. That is my considered opinion. If you don’t it will deteriorate to what you experienced because it comes naturally(in the sense they have seen their parent’s seggrigated social behavior which is in the back of their mind.)
Lastly, I must again commend you for having the courage to through the 1st stone.
Sandip da
February 6th, 2007 at 12:57 am
Oh how I love the dawats!! I think the segregation at times are also created coz our houses cannot fit everyone in the same room anymore. But like Mr. Sandip I see a lot of people make the effort these days to introduce activities like games with couples and games where entire families can participate. At our house in Dhaka we have monthly get together with my entire family on my father’s side which usually means an arrangement for at least 40 people (yes we have a large family:) & I see although my chachis and fufus prefer chatting separately by the time my chacha’s and us the adult kids sit for a game of cards mostly everyone crowds in that room.
Again when the party is with my friends, there are no segregations. In fact the girls get offended if their husbands are chatting away having men’s talk
But I have to mention sometimes you do want to have girl time without the husbands and boyfriends!
So I think activities or discussions are a good idea to put a head start to change the segregated atmosphere at Bangali dawats.
February 6th, 2007 at 5:42 am
Dear Oneza,
It is a nice observation.I dont think that only for our accomodation problem male and female are separated for adda.In my observation most of the women dont like to talk about politics,games and literatur which are very popular for men.I have to attain many dowat organized by different association like office colleague,relatives,friends.Without frieds adda the male-female separation is same.Because in those adda participants are not so close so they have to talk in common issue and surprisingly male dont have any story about their kids or house management.We always talk that women have to go outside but now it is very important to say that men have to come inside.
February 6th, 2007 at 1:00 pm
shob kichui depend kore tumi kivabe kon chosma pore ki mon niye dekhcho tar upor…jahan 2/3 ta family r adda/dawat hoi shobai ek shathei boshi..even bachharao ek shateh khele…jakhan scale ta anek bara hoye jai takhan ek shateh eto lok er accomodation tai ashole main factor alada boshar janya..andar mahal bahir mahal is not the issue in here…tarpor jakhan aladai boscho takahn common interst topics discuss kora hoi..despite all, once in a while ektu ranna.tv show,shaj gojer golpo korle ami enjoy i kori…khub shomoi manush ganer kotha bolbe naki!!!..office er world ta amar khub i aritifial lage..ami khub ekta blend korina..khub i bore hoi..tar cheye weekend e dawat e jawa amar janya anek anonder…desher golpo kori..shari, goina, ranna eguli shob i part of life…pura life na karor life ei..
amaro kichu jinish i kharap lage jemo jakhan anek beshi dawat hoey jai takhan tiring hoi khub.. ba jakhan jete chachhi na kono personal karon e athacha mana korte parina, r eto hazaar item ranna korar ami ghor birodhi..anek shomoi dawat khub got badha monotonous hoye jai…eki kotha eki mukh egulio shotti kotha…dawat er numberta kome gele eta overcome kora shomvob….arekta jinish hoilo shari goina dekhanor ekta apochesta…etao amar mone hoi beshir vag manush nijer anonder janyai kore more than showing off…other than that cheleder mahol meyeder mohol amake konoi bother kore na..karon choto group e amra shoabi ek shatehi adda mari..anek rat porjontoi..
nijer mon ta te complex na thakai valo..tobe jeta enjoy na kora jai karo shekhane na jawai wise…sharakhhon jodi ami botherd hoi je keno shari goinar alap hochhe ba keno meyera alada bolshe…taile ami gelam na shekhane!..eta anektai individual prefernce…anek shomoi ei shob light discussion i anek relaxing…
February 11th, 2007 at 11:11 pm
Thanks for all your thoughtful comments.
I agree with Sandip and Nazia that one of the hindrances behind an integrated party is the space accomodation. Also there are many cultural components in a Bengali dawaat why men and women can’t integrate in a party. But as we move on to an era where we expect women and men to share equitable responsibilities in the society, the trend should be reflective in our cultural norms as well.
Common interest for discussion as Munni mentions is a logical approach. But if we integrate dawaats, may be we can generate more common topics than the existing ones. Like what Jinat mentions, men should also know and talk about house management, or kids. An integrated party will open up that opportunity for men to be more aware of the household issues, where he is a part as well.  I disagree with what Munni mentions here, “if you don’t enjoy parties like this, don’t attend”. To me it sounds skeptical, like you are avoiding something than addressing it. I have mentioned already, as long as I enjoy my friends’ company, that’s all what matters to me. But should my friends be separated based on their genders?
February 14th, 2007 at 1:46 am
Its very nice to see these comments on the Dawat topic. Ever since we started adhunika blog we were thinking of writing this, but I was pretty scared that if I do so I will get black listed from the future Dawats:). Its a great courage from Oneza’s side to write on this!
To me at some point I found that these weekly or bi-monthly Dawats are taking away all my free time, even we couldn’t go to a weekend gateway since there was always a dawat already scheduled a month ago. When someone invites, it is not expected to say, “I won’t be able to make it”, you have to come up with some kind of excuse! I found many people say it like this, “I have to arrange/attend some more dawats this year then I will be free for the year”. It sounds like arranging/attending dawats are a big obligations.
Most people enjoy these kind of Dawats though. Some try to maintain those because they don’t know of any better way of doing socialization otherwise.
At the end of the day one needs to figure out how he/she wants to spend his/her free time? Dawats are for us we are not for Dawats.
In a sunny spring day I enjoy spending the afternoon in the waterfront, my daughter gets a chance to feed the ducks and make sand castles with her Dad, while some others enjoy having Dawats inside someone’s house. Once I got out of the mandatory Dawat circle I have better control on my time, when I want to have ‘adda’ I arrange small get togethers so it is really in a managable size and I am able talk about things I am passionate about.
So yes, I am not avoiding Dawats all together, I am arranging/attending only those Dawats that I can handle and my family can enjoy :).
-Sharmin
February 14th, 2007 at 12:21 pm
This is tough one! As someone who likes giving dawaats and attending them, my rules of keeping myself sane and happy are:
1. Absolutely shake off any feeling of obligation
2. Don’t go to a dawaat where you know you won’t have a good time just to make a social point (time is way too precious for that)
3. Make sure you spend ample time (dawaat format or not) with non-Bangladeshi friends
4. Speak up when you feel the topic (romance, someone else’s life, BD politics, fashion) is going to choke you — if you don’t have the courage to steer a change in the conversation or to say no to these addas, then don’t complain, you know what you’re getting into
5. Mix it up..you don’t have to see the same people at every dawaat
6. Deeply appreciate the host
Happy Dawaating everyone!
Ruhana
February 14th, 2007 at 7:21 pm
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February 14th, 2007 at 7:35 pm
thanks for throwing deshi interesting topic
March 16th, 2007 at 11:39 pm
I’ve observed much of what you just talked about. In fact, I just wrote the following post about Bangladeshi dawats on my blog http://www.lungis.com Â
“What the $%#@ is a dawat?†Well, first you can tone down your language. I believe dawat means invitation in Bengali, but in the context of Bangladeshi American life, it means a get together of family friends, who are almost always Bangladeshi. Sometimes you get the occasional white guy who works at your dad’s office who obviously feels really uncomfortable and out of place. And he usually comments about how spicy the food is.
Dawats are especially important for the older, immigrant generation. Not quite comfortable with American life, they find solace in socializing with other Bangladeshi immigrants. Dawats allow them to talk to others with whom they can relate. When I was younger, I didn’t understand why my parents loved dawats so much. But now, as an American living in Argentina, I can totally empathize. Whenever I meet Americans randomly in Buenos Aires, I feel like I’ve met a long-lost friend, even though we probably wouldn’t care to hang out with each other back home. It’s funny how that works.
The younger, American-raised generation has mixed feelings about the dawat scene. There are those who absolutely hate them to those who love going for the food. Because they are more comfortable with American culture than their parents and have friends outside of their Bangladeshi circle, they generally don’t rely on dawats as their prime source of socialization.
I’ve been to dawats across the U.S., and they all seem to consist of the same things. They typically start with guests arriving at least twenty to thirty minutes late. Even though they were told to come at seven, they think it’s no big deal to show up nearly an hour later. The uncles then go to the living room while the aunties congregate in the vicinity of the kitchen or some other room. Keeping with tradition, males and females are almost totally segregated. Also keeping with tradition, the females, especially the aunties and teenage girls, almost always wear saris and salwar kameezes. And the guys, well, they just wear Western garb. The toddlers and little kids run around the house screaming, or they find toys to keep them occupied. Then they run around the house screaming. The older kids and teenagers play video games or hang out in some isolated area. Oh yeah, the teenage guys and girls try not to acknowledge each other too much, fearing that their parents might suspect some shadiness. This definitely applies to the college crowd, who I will talk about right now. In between uncles/aunties and high schoolers, they’re not quite sure where they fit in. They try to avoid talking with the elders too much because they have this feeling that they’re trying to hook them up with some girl or guy in Chittagong.
After hanging out for about an hour, dinner is served. It typically consists of Bangladeshi fare, but “American†dishes such as ravioli may be served to satisfy the American-raised youngsters. Drinks usually consist of soda and water. Oftentimes, there won’t be any silverware, and one must ask for a spoon or fork. I was (and still am) that person.
About two hours after dinner, mishti (sweets) and cha (tea) are served. Of course, no good dawat is complete without roshogollas. These days, many families even serve “American†dishes, like store-bought pumpkin pie. We have to try to be American sometimes, you know.
The dawat can end anywhere from one to several hours after desert. There never is an official end time. In fact, they can last all night. I’ve never been to a dawat like this, but I’ve heard crazy stories about how some lasted till the crack of dawn. We really know how to party.
Â
April 17th, 2007 at 10:45 am
0neza,
Refyr comments,”I can never understand this segregation in dawaats. Male-female separation in the traditional society was created when women were considered inferior and weren’t allowed to mingle with the society, when home was the only area for them.”
IMO the seperation of genders during Dawaats in traditional societies/old generation was mostly due to purdah system- not because womnen were inferior-(their status was considered on the basis of the status of the husband) even now in rural Bangladesh there are women who would hide most ofd their faces before appearing before gents and prefer to sit in female company for Dawaat-(feel comfortable to eat freely).In urban Bangladesh also you will find most old generation ladies would form their own circle in a corner-the younger generation are free to either join the women group or even with mixed group;all these when groups are small- but in case of big events like marriage or religious functions or get-togethers/anniversaries mostly the seperation is due to space constraints.
0ne aspect in functions I hated most is to see that a special dias for VIPS- they get together/stay together/eat together-(completely ignoring the rest and its a restricted area for general guests to croass over to that DIas area) host often pays more attention to them- thats the part I wonder why are we invited here?????Someone told me that due to security problems for VIPS they have to stick together- I find that to be a lame excuse- and if so much security is needed then why invite them? Anyway I never could get a suitable answer for this type of seperation.
I like the Dawaats as you can eat different delicious food but I do take the oppurtunity to get to know the as many people as possible.
Family Dawaats are very important- and we make sure that once a week on holidays we as a family get-together for Dinner or Lunch either at home or to break the monotony at restuarants.
If again this family Dawaats is extended to include some good friends than its a good oppurtunity for both the elders and the youngers to get to know each other. In fact I always advise these type Dawaats specially if people are thinking of trying to find potential bride or grooms- this is a perfect secure way for youngsters to get to know each other- and then if they express their opinions the dawaats can be increased so that these youngsters also can have sufficent time to discuss with each other n try to understand how much thay do or do not like or just b friendas not not progress to level of marriage- Yes thats a good thing these Dawaats can do.