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Being single or staying single is becoming more common these days for both women and men. In the western world, it is a choice of living for many. In Bangladesh, being single is more circumstantial rather than a choice. Two most generic reasons for being single are, not finding the right partner to live with, or getting a divorce. We would like to take a look at the hard facts of staying single; how the society is treating a single person, especially single woman. This is a huge area of discussion; therefore, we invite our readers to put their thoughts into this.
I know a Bangladeshi woman, highly educated, never got married. I know another woman who was once married, now divorced. Both are independent, holding good professional positions in two different cities in the US. And yet, they both carefully avoid the Bengali communities in their areas. Because people would bad-mouth, talk against their backs only because they are single. Bangladeshi single women whether they live in Bangladesh or in the western countries, face similar difficulties. Whether she is unmarried or divorced, the society would try to blame her. If she is highly educated, the society would blame her education and independence for her single being.
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I was reading one of our bloggers’ comments on the previous discussion, When to get married: Before or after graduation? In the response no. six, our blogger made a good point: In many Asian and Middle-eastern cultures, an unmarried woman is called many bad names behind her back. She is treated like an outcast. She does not get any help from people of her own cultural/religious backgrounds. ….. Wouldn’t this world be a better place if they just showed some genuine compassion and care to an unmarried woman?
Staying single is associated with many difficulties, both financial and emotional. Let’s not make it more difficult by adding social stigma to it. Single woman should not keep herself away from enjoying life. To all single women, please be outspoken, outgoing, get involved with things that you have always liked to do. Get involved in organizational and community activities! If you happen to find someone you can count on, take the share of your life with him. Finally, please be independent! No matter in what society you are in, try to get financial independence first. Rather than being at the mercy of the society, please take the charge of your own life; make your place stronger in the society!
June 27th, 2006 at 9:32 pm
Dear Oneza,
Intelligent, educated, financially independent, respectable, single Bangladeshi (and South Asian) women are avoiding their own respective communities all over the United States.
I have come across this many times.
They have so many sad stories to tell.
take care,
Flower
June 29th, 2006 at 5:34 pm
Wow! This is an awesome site and idea! I really like the articles that’ve published so far. Keep up the great work!
June 29th, 2006 at 11:00 pm
Dear Flower, thanks for your comments. I totally agree with you and wish that we, as part of the society could be more helpful and respectful to people’s way of living without judging them, in this case single women.
Dear Bengali Fob, we are glad that you like the site and we welcome you to participate in any of the discussions!
June 29th, 2006 at 11:30 pm
In addition to Flower’s comment, I would say these women do not mingle with deshi community because some of the deshi women are really nosy and ask too personal questions right away. A friend of mine who is single (living in US) said that some women became too protective about their husbands just because there is a pretty, smart and independent single woman around… how sad!
Not only women, some men (in her case married deshi men) often tried to send some sort of dirty signals as if single women are easily available to flirt around. I donot blame these single women for not mingling with the community. Of course we should not judge the entire community based on some people, but it takes only a few bad experiences to make a personal decision about life.
- Ishret
June 30th, 2006 at 12:50 pm
The concept of “Single woman” is fairly new to the deshi community. People need some time to take it easy.
SOMETIMES it a sense of jealousy works in people who relates the personality of a single women to arrogance. Those who got married and are busy raising child have lesser time for their career while a single women has more opportunity for that. This fact MAY also give some sort of resentment (and jealousy) to the main streamers.
I personally have seen relatively better scenarios in different cities I lived in the US. I think it is the group of people I chose to socialize with. When a person see the community as a whole it may be hard to find the people you like, my suggestion is to be open, that way there is higher chance to find good hearted friends. It’s not fun to avoid people (mean one’s own community).
It needs some proactive measure as well. In one case at least, I was able to turn a good number of people in my community to be respectful to one of my single friend (divorced with two kids).
When a single woman can successfully socialize with other people, the people in the community will be able to realize, “Hmm, she is not that arrogant we thought before”. It is beneficial in both directions.
-Sharmin
July 1st, 2006 at 10:19 pm
Dear Sharmin,
1)The term “Single Woman” may be a new concept to many Asian cultures, but the reality is, we are now in the 21st century, knowledge-based global economy. Therefor, it is not acceptable that traditionalists refuse to recognize and appreciate the Single Woman with compassion and respect.
2)Thank you for introducing me to this site. I don’t feel lonely anymore. For the longest time, I was wondering why I did not fit into the traditional mold of the obedient lady.
Flower
July 4th, 2006 at 3:15 pm
Several things I think are worth noting:
Single men or women, if they don’t like to be alone need to be more outgoing in order to make new friends. The reality is that it needs efforts to make friends at certain stages of life. A friend of mine became a member of a professional organization, and met people there of similar interests.
Finally, I agree with Sharmin that we need to be more proactive to address this issue. Whenever we see certain stigma, we should take an active role to void it. In that way we make a positive impact in the society.
July 4th, 2006 at 11:07 pm
I guess it also depends on the situations. I know a couple who were married with children for many years, most people in the community liked them as a family. All of a sudden we all found out that they got divorced and in this case the husband is the one who cheated the wife. The community is still very nice with the wife and is willing to help her in any possible ways.
On the other hand, a girl moved in to the city who got divorced while staying in a different state (in USA) and now is living single. She is an independent working woman. Even though she is very nice and polite, not everyone in the community accepted her from heart.
Key point is we should not judge people based on their status. Instead of keeping a single/divorced woman away, the community (at least someone in the community) should be proactive to invite her to get introduced to others and make new friends.
- Ishret
July 5th, 2006 at 12:07 am
The non resident bangladeshi communities mostly consist of 1. Blue color workers 2. Professionals in white color jobs and 3. Stdents.
In the first group, i.e the blue color workers there is absolutely no place for single women living alone. There are a lot of single mothers in this group.
In the second group, yes there are some single women. This blog probably aims at those single women. This white color group mostly consist of young families/couples or single men. Naturally, while single men hang out together and young families spend time together; simply due to lack of peers, single women find themselves in a odd place.
There are more and more single girls in the third i.e student’s group. They mostly remain focused on studies and nothing else really trouble them. In addition, they are still so young in age that a partner is not that important yet and singlehood does not pose as a problem to them.
So the problem group remains the second group, i.e. the professional group. One easy way to solve the problem of single professional women is increasing their number in society. When there four single girl in the same small town, I believe 80% of their problems will be solved.
And as I see the trend in the society, with ever increasing number of peers to interact with, I foresee a more comfortable time for these single professional women.
July 5th, 2006 at 3:40 pm
When exactly does it happen? When does a woman stops being an individual? Being single in any society is not easy, being a single mom is even harder. The only difference is in western culture because of education it is much easier for a woman to become self-supportive as opposed to in Bangladesh.
I agree with Oneza, it is absolutely crucial for every woman to have enough education to be able to survive on ones own - whether married or not. Just because one gets married and has children is no excuse to stop being an individual and become completely dependent on someone else.
We are the society, we all have to treat each and every woman as an individual and with respect - married, unmarried, divorced or whatever the status is - she is a valuable part of the society. Only when we change our attitudes can we leave the world a better place than when we came in.
September 25th, 2006 at 4:24 am
I am a single mom. I tried to have a normal social life with the bangladeshi community which didn’t work out very well.What I learned so far?
If u r a single woman ,you better be in a desparate situation,then you will be easily excepted.If you burst into tears before every word, people will show you sympathy out of nowhere.On the other hand , if you show some self-respect, decided to live a quite decent life , you must be a arrogant woman.And on top of that if you are beautiful,smart,educated,then there must be something wrong with your character.
So……do I need to mingle with these people in order to prove my good side…definately NOT.I even don’t wanna spend one more second to revive from the scar those comment left on my mental health.I suffered enough.
I decided to wipe away all the past and be happy with what I have. I beleive a happy mother gives a kid a happy home. I want my son to be a better person , better bangladeshi,and thats why I carefully cut off all the bangladeshi social links .
September 25th, 2006 at 10:13 pm
Nova,
I am so sorry to hear that you suffered as a result of the way people in the Bangladeshi community have treated you. No one has the right to judge another person. I hope that you have found some nice friends (whether they are Bangladeshi or not).
September 27th, 2006 at 11:21 pm
This is a very important issue which is becoming more common than ever before among Bangladeshis all over the world. Singlehood and single motherhood both are complicated situations for Bangladeshi women who are questioned continuously no matter where they are. Being a single women myself I think the problem is not just limited to the west, even in Dhaka a lot of females today chose to get married late which naturally triggers many questions among families and friends. I’m 23 this year and all my relatives are going crazy to marry me off. Even my friends who are married are continuously trying to either hook me up with someone or asking questions on what kind of a guy I would like to be with and what not!! Its not that I don’t want to get married, I do. But my concern is what if this kind of pressure forces me to choose the wrong person as my husband?
October 14th, 2006 at 11:18 pm
after my divorce, i carefully cut off all my tie with bangladeshi community. i then surrounded myself with supportive western friends who are full of life. my bangladeshi values have never been in conflict with theirs. i like to think that i’m a wonderful person with so much goodness to offer, and it’s the loss of my community that they don’t have room for me and other bengali women like me.
October 26th, 2006 at 9:24 am
Hey Anonymous,
I am glad to see that you chose to be positive about your situation and did not let the way you were treated affect your self esteem. It takes a lot of strength to say ‘no’ to so much pressure on a daily basis. Ever since I can remember, I grew up thinking, acting, and speaking differently than the Bengali norm. It has been an uphill battle all my life. It’s difficult to fight a battle when you know that not a single person in your family is on your side.
I no longer “expect” respect from the Bengali community. I demand it. I have worked very hard against all obstacles to be where I am today. I am a single woman, financialy independent, have great friends, and love the way I live my life. I feel I neither owe an explanation for being unmarried nor do I need to waste my time to try to convince them that I am happy the way that I am.
I think our definition of “happiness” is very different from the traditional Bengali definition of “happiness”. To me, happiness is about having the freedom to choose how I want to live my life. To them, happiness is about having a man take care of me and keep me in check.
Just like how they cannot change my mind, I know that I can’t change theirs. I accept it and move on. There are very few of us like this. I believe in 20 years or so, the generations that are being born today will follow our footsteps and it’ll be much easier for them. I look at us as pioneers. It’s not an easy “job” but someone has got to do it.
I look at the faces of my young female cousins and they give me strength and determination. I want them to grow up and have the power to speak their minds without fear. I want them to see that I did it and I turned out OK.
So hang in there ladies. We are doing this for our children, sisters, cousins, and friends. Most importantly, we are doing this for each us.
November 6th, 2006 at 2:03 pm
Just randomly found this blog… its fascinating to read about these additional issues that cultural norms add on to the “condition” of being a smart single woman… I read the original post and comments with great interest. My colleague and I are exploring the issue at our blog (http://smartsinglewomen.blogspot.com) — please take a look if you get a chance.
It seems to me that people in every culture get flak for being “different” in some way because they don’t conform to people’s expectations… interestingly, the result is that it just makes us stronger women who achieve a lot professionally and in their personal lives…
December 19th, 2006 at 2:32 pm
Personally i feel its been a privilege to be single and be able to do what i am capable of doing. I know too many people who have talked behind my back, i know too many lowlifes who would do the same given a chance– perhaps they already do so but maybe i am just not aware of it. Astonishingly these has included some very highly educated-and-so-called-successful and also in a few cases, rather well known (& working) women from bangladesh, who …ahem…happen to be not-single. As if i would give a hoot? Interestingly the most successful women in my country are single or have been single for a greater part of there lives. Why do i get the feeling that at present times, not say 10 years ago, the only ones who bad-mouth single women are the ones who totally understand why being single is okay (even better at times). What is it that triggers them i wonder? Insecurity? unhappiness or plain jealousy?
February 5th, 2007 at 8:50 am
Munlite,
My guess will be it’s the fear of the unknown. We all fear the unknown, to some degree. Some handle that fear quietly and constructively, others deal with it more vocally and destructively.
Unfortunately, our community considers this vocal and destructive behavior to be the norm. Hopefully this balance will shift after a generation or two.
March 28th, 2007 at 10:50 pm
Pretty Interesting write up…
People should try to solve their problems in life rather than being single. And people should try to work out more before they get divorce…because in today’s busy world none will give you a look if you…yourself not fit in the society….so Better girls should try to enjoy their life with their family world rather than being lonely…because To me not a single alone girl is happy with their life…they are quite depress and frustrated…So girls should do more mental excercise before they take any firm decision in their life….:)
That’s all about my view….I know many will think opposite too…take care..thanks Oneza apu for ur nice post..well done..:)
March 29th, 2007 at 10:44 am
There’s a big difference between being single and being lonely. A married woman can be just as lonely as a single woman - just because she has a husband and children doesn’t mean she can’t feel isolated at times. She just has a shield that prevents society from pointing fingers at her.
If single women feel at all frustrated and depressed it is only because of the pressures society, especially our society, places on them. Why are other people so hung up on getting a single girl married? It’s like this is a problem they need to fix. Folks, there are many other problems in the world that need fixing. Leave the single happy people alone.
I think what people still find hard to believe is that there are women out there who actually choose to be single. It’s a CHOICE, not a PROBLEM. These women, regardless of culture, are ahead of their times and we’ll just have to battle it out, as others have said, for future generations.
Singledom is not a disease that needs to be cured. It requires immense courage and strength and a refusal to compromise, to live life on your own terms and to only share it with a man who truly deserves it. And if he doesn’t exist, it’s okay. We’ve learned how to make it on our own anyway.
March 31st, 2007 at 11:10 am
Every community that follows a patriarchal social system, considers the independence of women a threat. one of the main problem that single women face is patriarchy. patriarchial values teach us that a woman’s life is incomplete till she has found herself a partner and is blissfully married. hence divorcees and singles are considered social pariahs. therefore, in such communities, getting married (even to the wrong person) and staying married (even to the wrong person) may actually be the easiest solution.
I agree with Shakila, staying single, is a choice. In fact, it is the most difficult. When a girl, who is already the victim of such atrocious discrimination of society, volunteers to live independantly, without the umbrella of a man’s social and financial support, she chooses the toughest path.
Samiha, i will not try to rebutt point to point, but i would just like to say, that before you make arbitrary judgements make sure you understand that just being married and being able to stay married does not make you a better person. and you dont have to be married to be happy. family is also your parents, siblings and sometimes friends. if someone is happier without a husband, why can’t we just let her be?
i agree that society cannot accept single women. but who make up this society? people like you and me and our families.who have made these rules? perhaps our forefathers. so as descendants, we should not follow their examples. we should not make such strict codes of conduct for women and learn to be more accepting. change doesnt happen in a day or in a decade. changes are brought forth by a generation– a generation of progessive people and progressive values. our generation should pioneer and advocate the social acceptance of single woman is bangladeshi communities home and abroad. if we stick together, the women in the next generation will find staying single an equally easy choice.
April 1st, 2007 at 3:08 pm
hmm..wow. prior to coming to this discussion, i was ranting about my feelings of isolation from the society’s norms of what an ideal Bangladeshi female is … there are a myriad of things that pop up when reading all the statements above. all seem true, and some far off - but nothing of them wrong. I guess what i am trying to say is that situations are unique. individuals are unique. there are some people that enjoy the life of being dependant and being taken care of and living under the traditional norms and there are those that are oppressed. I would like to refer back to what Sharmin mentioned (June 30′06) about the misconception that works around a single woman. i can now understand why recently certain so-called-friend(s) of mine choose not to mix with me as much - giving mo no concrete answer to why. hearing through the grapevines apparently from other to-be-married or new wed friends, that they are cautioned to invite single friends too much.
what is it? what is that i am a threat to? maybe it is jealousy…but then where do people like us belong? do we have a community of our own?
i do see a progression in the image of women in our culture, but there is a funny expectation about the Bangladeshi females that has not yet left the patriarchal and guardian societies. See, BD independant (thinking) girls are highly appealing in this changing times of progression, modernisation - however you may like to describe it. but with a false blanket of hope created for individuals like ourselves that we are being included only creates space for delusion and disappointment. BD men society are attracted to our kind because strength and individuality is portrayed, and parents are fearful of us being the chosen ONE for their family. So, in the end societies deep rooted thinking does come in the way and twist us in to falling into the same traps of expectation of accomodating ourselves into the ‘fitting imprinted traditional values’.
April 2nd, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Girls, look at this,
http://www.kcet.org/lifeandtimes/blog/?p=162
They have quoted this article.
Sometimes we tend to talk like, things are much nicer(if not ideal) for women in the western world, its quite intersting to see they are using our article as a resource.
Sharmin
April 18th, 2007 at 5:11 am
Ishret,
Rfefyr#4,”Not only women, some men (in her case married deshi men) often tried to send some sort of dirty signals as if single women are easily available to flirt around.”- society has people with peculiar characteristics- what you said also applies to some women too known also as flirts; however it takes all kind to make the world interesting; also thats how u differentiate the good apple from the bad.For the best interest of all those bad apples should be discarded from guest list asap.
Recently in Asian countries the choice of individuals for marriage becomes the main reason for single women- the fault lies both ways- men and women : too choosy specially in respect of color of skin and physical feature-i.e medium/tall height and slender- another obstacle is DOWRY.Some awareness programme must be made to make people understand that “All that glitters isnt Gold”-that movies and realities are two different worlds and that relationship entered into would have different human qualities and so both needs tyo make adjustments and sacrifices.
May 28th, 2007 at 9:50 am
My heart goes out to all the men and women who have suffered due to their “single status.”
Let me tell you, it’s not that much better within the United States. I am a 35 year old woman who has never been married. For as “far” as women have come. There is still that stigma to being single. Plus, I think many, many people get married for the wrong reasons. Speaking as an adult child of domestic violence, I would rather be alone the rest of my life then find myself in that type of situation. People act like marriage is a given. You grow up, go to school, get married, and have children. People conform to that ideal of what is
“normal” or “expected.” Personally, I think that if you find another human being that you want to spend the rest of your life with and want to love until your last breathe, then you have been blessed and you are very lucky. It is not something that you are just given or entitled to.
Additionally, I can’t even say it is just women either. Men are stigmatized as well. If you reach a certain age and are not married, well there MUST BE something wrong with you. For women, we are seen as “unlovable” or “damaged/defected.” If you are a man and not married, it is always assumed that the man is homosexual.
Futhermore, the emphasis on women having child is extremely great. Approximately three years ago, I was diagnosed as having Premature Ovarian Faliure. Basically, I have started the Menopause process early and will not be able to have children. Even if I was able to reproduce, I am not sure I would want to. Yet society deems it as my “womanly duty”, not if I can’t nor am I willing to give my child(ren) my all. If I can’t or won’t do it right, then I won’t do it at all.
The way I view it, I am Catholic and I feel that God does not call each of us to be married. In fact, the reason I found this website is that I am looking to begin a singles ministry for my Church. I was researching so that I may present my idea to my priest. Even within the Catholic faith, single people are forgotten about. I want to help people and the Church remember us.
I am a very blessed woman. I have family and friends who love me. I am going to begin graduate school this summer. My hope is to earn 2 Masters degrees. I am a good person, I try to “give back.” I am very involved in my parish. I run the food pantry in my Church to help feed those in need. I have numersous goals for my life. Thus, if God wishes me to be married some day, that is fine. However, if He has called me to remain single that is just fine too. It does not mean that I am “defected” or that “no one wants me.” It just means that God’s will is that I remain single, in order to share my gifts with the world.