My Rollercoaster Journey into Motherhood
Following article is written by our regular participant Sharmin Islam.
Pregnancy and the road to motherhood is a special journey that women experience. While it is a truly special time, the road to get there can often be a long and twisted one. I am sharing my personal story to show the unexpected, turbulent and emotional ride that women often go through before they are able to enjoy the fruits of their labor.Â
About a year and a half after I got married back in 2002, I had this sudden and immense desire to have a baby and experience motherhood. I have always loved babies, and finally I felt like the time was right to start my own family. When I told my husband of my desire to start a family, he was a bit hesitant to take on any parental responsibilities at that point. Although I was disappointed, we agreed to wait a little longer before we embarked on the journey to parenthood. I felt that was only fair, since I wanted both of us to be on the same page and emotionally ready to start a family.Â
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Some months down the line when we decided that the time was finally right to try bringing a baby into this world, I was elated. I felt like I could finally get started towards fulfilling my dream of having my own family. Initially, I wasn’t worried when I didn’t conceive right away, but as the months rolled by and I still hadn’t gotten pregnant, I started to get disappointed every time my period would arrive. When seven months passed without any signs of pregnancy, I started to cry every time I got my period. What started out as an eager and joyful adventure towards parenthood, started to weigh down on my husband and I, especially as we heard more and more of our friends getting pregnant, while we were still trying so hard to conceive. 
To top it all off, we have this culture where intense peer pressure starts appearing from all sides if a women does not get pregnant within a certain time period of her getting married. During this time, even well-meaning relatives and friends had started dropping both subtle and obvious hints to us about starting a family. While most of those comments did not bother us and we were able to say we would try soon, some of the comments were hurtful. When a relative remarked that three of my cousins, who had all gotten married around the same time as us, not only all had one child each, but that those kids were all walking now, it really struck a nerve and hurt. Such comments made both my husband and I feel very helpless. It seemed like people thought that the fault was with us for not having children in the time frame they thought was appropriate; without knowing the individual circumstances, our society is quick to pass judgment on couples; not caring about the emotional ramifications of such a move. It made me sad to realize that if this kind of pressure was present in even educated middle class families, then the extent of the emotional pressure in the villages where the educational level may be lower might be even more.
During my personal journey, I started to lose hope that I could get pregnant after about eight months of trying, even though doctors say that it may take up to a year for a fertile couple to conceive. My husband and I decided that after our one year period would end, we would both go to a doctor for a check-up and further advice if I still had not conceived by then. That December, we planned a trip to Nevada and California, just to get out of town and recharge emotionally. After getting back from vacation, I started having really bad period-like cramps towards the end of the month. I thought my period was on its way, hence the bad cramps, and didn’t think too much about it. When more than ten days went by and still there was no sign of a period, something made wonder if I could possibly be pregnant? Without getting my hopes up and also really fearing disappointment at the same time, I went to CVS – a local pharmacy to buy yet another pack of pregnancy tests. I went straight home and took the test and waited for the longest three minutes of my life to pass until I could peak at the test. When I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test, I could not believe that I was pregnant, so I decided to take another test with the second stick that came in the package. Two lines again! Yes, it was true. I was pregnant! Oh my God, I thought I was going to faint and fall at that moment. I rushed to call my husband who was still at work to make him guess why I was calling and of course when he could not answer why, gave him the good news. It would be an understatement to say that he was elated.
The lessons I learned on my journey into pregnancy was painful, but I was fortunate to be able to experience sheer joy at the end of one year of trying to get pregnant. My heart goes out to those who are still trying to experience this same joy.
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October 17th, 2007 at 3:18 am
Sharmin,
Motherhood comes only through the Blessings from Allah(ST). May Allah(ST) continue to Bless you and the family all the way through.
An advise for you from me is that you should pray to Allah(ST) thanking Him for your Motherhood and that through HIs infinite Mercy,Blessings and Guidance the Baby continues its growth,that it becomes of sound health and character and that under HIs protection both You(Mother) and Baby remain safe till its final delivery.
October 18th, 2007 at 12:23 pm
To become pregnant, and to go thru pregnancy, and to have a baby,…..All are precious gifts with their emotional ups and downs. I feel so lucky that I was given the chance to have carried 3 children, and also so grateful to have had 2 children in this world with me that are precious to me in every way.
October 19th, 2007 at 11:04 am
Dear Sharmin:
Thank you so much for sharing such a wonderful touching personal story with us. I know this is a common happening to many of the newly married couples and it’s a very hard topic to talk about. So I do appreciate very much for addressing this difficult topic and bringing out to our attention of the painful process that many married couples go through in silence while waiting for the conception. I have witnessed many times how harsh and insensitive comments are hurled onto the “wife†usually by many friends and in-laws….moreover, its almost taken for granted that its always the wife who is at fault….its essential that both parties go for medical check up when couples are having hard time conceiving….I hope bringing up topics like this in the open will perhaps make us all aware that this is a very sensitive topic and perhaps we can even stop others from making these insensitive comments.
October 19th, 2007 at 1:02 pm
Emma R,
You have brought up a great point:). I think when making comments on someone not having a baby, being sensitive is the key which is very uncommon:(.
Its very different from person to person what information is public and what is private/personal. For example, I can’t figure out how one not-so-close person can even ask “Are you guys trying?”, for many its ok:).
In Bengali culture if you react to such questions that’s taken as your rudeness, because the other person asked (that insensitive question) “for your own good only”:).
October 21st, 2007 at 3:19 pm
Sharmin Islam,
Great article on a very sensitive topic. My heart also goes out to those girls who are craving and waiting to experience motherhood. It is one of the most difficult period a woman go through in her life.
If I didn’t decide to experience motherhood and was blessed to become a mother at the time when people thought it was really late, I don’t think I would have understood the stigma attached to the girls/women who are married and don’t have kids.
Even during the time when my husband and I were not planning to have kids, people - family and foes thought there was something wrong with me (!) physically. Few suggested I should go to the doctor and get whatever need to be fixed:)…
I remember a single woman and self proclaimed ‘feminist’ from my in-laws once told me - who cares about you? we just want your child, that all that matters to our family! when I mentioned after years of pestering, I don’t know if I want to have any child now or ever.
I heard remarks like, ‘What are you worried about? Just have the baby, I will take care of the child’… excuse me? if I decide to have a family, why on earth I would want you to take care of my baby!
I live a very independent life and with full of support of like minded women and men, and yet with all these support it felt dreadful when people would come up and say to me the meanest thing that would come to their mind because I didn’t have a child. I wonder how women without the support like I have deal with the pain.
My suggestion to the girls who are trying hard to have a baby and are yet to become mother, when people make their business to give you repeated un-wanted advice to have a baby, tell them - it is a private matter, and you don’t to discuss; and if they keep pestering - tell them,’it is none of their business,’ and they should ‘mind their own business.’. Better yet tell them to do something productive with their ‘all too good intention mind’, and stop giving you advice on ‘you should have a baby,’ - tell them may be they can volunteer their time and the energy at the orphanage, there are thousands of child who are just waiting to be loved.
Thanks!
October 22nd, 2007 at 9:03 am
Here are my comments to Shahnaz apa’s comments:
I agree with your assessments completely. Unfortunately some thoughts come to mind that probably needs to be addressed.
1) Outside of Bangladesh this approach may work but as as # 4 aptly puts it: In Bengali culture if you react to such questions that’s taken as your rudeness, because the other person asked (that insensitive question) “for your own good onlyâ€:).
2) More importantly, imagine the dilemma of women in Bangladesh who end up living with their in-laws after getting married. The “its none of your business” approach is probably impossible for them, hence unfortunately they have to continue to endure this type of mental torture.
October 22nd, 2007 at 11:04 pm
What a wonderful article! Thanks for sharing your experience, Sharmin.
I am not a Bengali but am married to one. At the moment, I am seeing first hand the type of pressure placed on Bengali women to have children after having been married for a few years. The pressure is mainly from family members. Then the pressure becomes indirectly internalized by the woman to have children. I would like to share two such couples I currently know stateside who have gone through this. Both are different and yet similar in many ways.
Both couples are fairly newlyweds. They’re both married for no more than 5 years. The wife is from Bangladesh. Both have parents who have traveled extensively and are worldly. However, one wife has chosen to stay at home. The other is a success professional lawyer.
The difference is one now pregnant and the other is trying to become pregnant.
The former had gone through what Sharmin described so eloquently. She was finally fed up with the pressure from family members and Bengali society she was associated with that she stopped caring about become pregnant. By not accepting the personal responsibility and by escaping the pressure set by others, like Sharmin, she and her husband became pregnant.
The latter friend is a successful professional who is battling whether to begin a family now. The demands of her job requires her to travel frequently. She is questioning whether she would be able to structure her job to fit her desire to have a family and to fulfill her parents (particularly her mother’s) desire for grandchildren. The stress is evident because she is shying away from many social events, even from those of close friends. It is sad that a successful professional is judged and deemed unworthy because she has to choose between being a mother and being someone else.
God granted us a wonderful gift to progenerate. However, God cannot control the stress we create upon one another. It’s been documented in medical journals the effects of stress on fertility. It is known that the less stressed a couple is the more likely they are going to become pregnant.
October 24th, 2007 at 5:00 pm
ref. comment #6
Faizal,
My sarcastic suggestion ‘mind your own business’ is a product of frustration against the meddlers in the personal matter; I have yet to practice it on the thoughtless people :)…
Just to keep in mind, I am refering to people who put girls in an awkward position by asking ‘when you are going to have a baby’… or ‘you should’ without any regards to what the couple might be going through at the moment.
here is another side of your thoughts:
1. Even women who live thousands of miles away from the motherland feel the pressure to have a child within a certain time, and the pressure comes from the pple they might have recently met in their life… so in reality not too many have that luxurty to say ‘mywb’
2. Living with the in-laws is one the best option one can hope for… it is not unheard of to have a healthy relationship with the in-laws, specially when more women working in the field it can work as the best support system for the whole family… but all depends on how every generation is ready to adapt… it’s all about how you look at things.
by the way, I did mention on my comment, I wonder how women without the support like I have deal with the pain. and I would like to hear from women who are trying to have a baby and can’t, and yet pple are pressuring to hear the great news say on your next meeting?
thanks!
October 28th, 2007 at 8:23 pm
Thanks to Sharmin Islam for sharing the experience that many women go through.
The notion that pregnancy is the matter and a private matter of two people are still far fetched in Bengali culture. And the notion that women may chose not to be a mother is an absurd concept in Bangladeshi society. While motherhood and the brave women who go through this are greatly appreciated, women should not be put under the pressure for this either. First of all, there may be many difficulties a couple could go through that might make them postpone the idea. Therefore, while admiring women for taking the most important responsibility for humankind, let’s have empathy for those women who don’t or can’t take this step. As long as men and women work side by side to make this earth a better place for kids, no contribution is unimportant.
October 31st, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Thank you so much for sharing your story and journey with us. As all the commenters have said, it is a difficult thing to ‘fend’ off such comments.