The following article is written by our regural participant Sabrin Chowdhury.
“The day my boyfriend started degrading me,
I held back my tears and remained silent.
The day my boyfriend started brutally abusing me,
I held back my tears and remained silent.
But the day my boyfriend looked at me and stated matter of factly ‘I’m sorry I hurt you but it’s your fault. You must always do something to instigate me,’
I let the tears flow from the depths of my soul and knew I could no longer remain silent.â€
~ Survivor
Domestic violence is defined as “a pattern of abusive behavior which
keeps one partner in a position of power over the other partner through the use of fear, intimidation, and control.†But in reality it is so much more and a much larger problem then we realize.
Studies show that up to 3 million women are physically abused annually by intimate partners in the United States. However, the numbers seem worse for the South Asian community in the U.S, where approximately 41% of women are physically and/or sexually abused in some way by their current male partners in their lifetime. Unfortunately, the real percentage may be higher as many South Asian women are less likely to categorize various interactions as domestic violence, or are afraid or prevented from reporting such incidents. 
But we must ask ourselves, how many instances are out there of women who have never reported their cases and women who continue to silently suffer abuse? A common misconception also is that domestic violence is a problem only faced by immigrants, or those who reside in South Asian countries. Many feel that professional women who are financially independent and have strong careers are also immune to such problems. Even though we may think that such incidents only occur amongst immigrants or more so amongst specific religions and nationalities, this is not the case. Domestic violence is a problem present in all societies, regardless of ethnic background, religion, or even socioeconomic status.
I recently started volunteering for Sakhi for South Asian women, a community-based organization in Manhattan committed to ending violence against South Asian women by educating the community about domestic violence issues through advocacy and outreach. Having worked with domestic violence victims before, Sakhi provided me with further opportunity to help give victims a voice and allowed me to help establish a safer community through organizing fundraising and outreach programs.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, devoted to connecting battered women’s advocates across the nation to work together to end violence against women and children. I encourage all of you to spend some time and effort to reach out to your community about domestic violence. Not all of us have time to volunteer extensively for different causes; however, even a little bit of effort goes a long way. Just by letting a friend know about available resources, or educating friends and family members about the causes and ways to combat domestic violence will help achieve a safer community for all of us.
Listed below are some helpful links to different domestic violence groups that provide information about domestic violence and different services to victims.
http://www.sakhi.org/gethelp/southasianorgs.php
http://www.ncadv.org/
http://www.nyawc.org/
Data Source:Â www.sakhi.org
http://www.apiahf.org/apidvinstitute/ResearchAndPolicy/factsheet.htm
October 23rd, 2007 at 4:08 pm
Dear Apas:
Since 2005, I have hosted a website of resources on domestic violence in Bangladesh (in Bangla and English) as well state by state resources for South Asian women in USA.
Website address: http://www.siu.edu/~narijibon/DADV.htm
This is very important so because Domestic violence (and other forms of violence) travel with migrants and back and forth. Given the transnational locations of many family members, the survivors may be in one country while the abusers move back and forth and abusers’ families threaten the survivors’ families (esp in Bangladesh). In 2005, I learned that many USA and Bangladeshi organizations did not have one another’s contact information. I have continued to share these resources over time.
I hope to update the article resources soon. I would appreciate any comments, updates, as well.
For more information about Nari Jibon project (in Bangladesh)see the Nari Jibon website: http://www.narijibon.com or link to blogs: narijibon.blogspot.com or banglablog-narijibon.blogspot.com
We also have a USA website: narijibonusa.org
Bhalo thakben to all the brave women and men who are working to end violence against women, children, and men!
Kathy Ward
(pagol nari)
October 24th, 2007 at 5:46 am
Kathy Ward,
Thank you for the information posted here and hopefully many will be benefitted from these sites as they will have the possibility to contact through email and describe present state of affairs and in what manner they need help.
Awareness of proper methods to be followed for marriage in addition to moral and social values is imperative.
While in the Country and or abroad I have experienced that same conditions leading to domestic violation and I find that due to lack of awareness there is so much sufferance.
Another most important point often over-looked is that the parents in their eagerness not to loose a prospective son-in-law in a foreign country responds quickly and even settles for telephone Marriages and manyb often do not take time to find out whether details provided by the prospective boy is correct or not- let quote one example here thatb should suffice for readers:-
a certainly family was emailed form US wherein the prospective boy mentioned that he was in 0il business; great qualifications and detailes ensured that he comes of a great family background. It was just by the way that a close cousin of the girl proposed for happened to mention and I volunteered to help. It was very difficult to trace the great 0il Magnet only later to discover that he was in oil business but the activity was of an attendent to assit vehicles to get gasoline and have their cars taken care of if necessary– the education qualification mentioned was not correct- he was student but couldnt continue–but hoped he would complete it later. The bangladeshis that knew of him with his area of residence just know that he works and studies and as a young person often discovered in beer stalls/pubs –no one else could confirm. While checking for his reference at home it was discovered that he was known family wise to the personnels but not blood relative and in reality couldnt trace his lineage– so this helped not to finalize the marriage and hopefully for the good.
Space here doesnt permit to detail more but if any wish to know about proper methods and or other queries to avoid Violence cann contact me through this forum and or even directly and my email can be had from the forum Admin.
Great work Kate and May God Bless you for this work.
October 25th, 2007 at 8:11 am
[...] Adhunika Blog has some shocking statistics: Studies show that up to 3 million women are physically abused annually by intimate partners in the United States. However, the numbers seem worse for the South Asian community in the U.S, where approximately 41% of women are physically and/or sexually abused in some way by their current male partners in their lifetime. Unfortunately, the real percentage may be higher as many South Asian women are less likely to categorize various interactions as domestic violence, or are afraid or prevented from reporting such incidents. [...]
October 28th, 2007 at 7:56 pm
I was watching the interview of Denise Brown, the late Nicole Brown Simpson’s sister. Many of you may know that Nicole’s former husband O.J. Simpson is accused of her murder.
In her interview, Denise was mentioning three reasons why a woman stay within and suffer the domestic violence: shame, fear and hope. Shame - to speak out loud about her situation. Fear - that she may not be able to pull herself together, and hope - that things may get better if she stayed. But the fact is, once the domestic violence symptoms start to show up, things get real bad and most of the times there is no time left. It is for the safety of the lives of women, that women need to be aware and should be able to leave the situation before they it gets too worse.
Here is another site:
http://www.nbcf.org/
Few things I learned recently from a case:
1) have a separate bank account if your partner is abusive
2) if you are an immigrnat, always have your papers in a bank vault or somewhere safe, away from
your partner,
3) be prepared to leave anytime
4) don’t be afraid to call the police if you can’t handle the situation
October 29th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
I don’t know how many of you who are reading this post are actual survivors or know people who are or have gone through the horrors of domestic violence. However, having friends who have gone through the ordeal, I have learned that one of the most important things is to not be afraid to speak out. I know in our culture, speaking of such things is usually taboo; but that just makes it all the more important to be heard. To any victims out there who may be reading this, another point I can’t stress enough is if you do have to go to court, no matter how hard it is, to testify and to press charges. A lot of times the pressure of going to court and having to face society seems too much, but it is so important that you make sure the person who has wronged you, whether it be husband, boyfriend, etc…, does not have the chance to ruin another innocent girl’s life and learns that he can’t and won’t be able to get away with it.
Even though at the time the experience of going to court and pressing charges may seem overwhelming, or often victims feel guilty for going against their loved one, it is crucial for our society and for the fight against domestic violence to speak out.
Another thing I’ve found in my experience with victims: no matter how apprehensive they are about pressing charges and testifying, after the whole process is over, they all agree that it was worth testifying and it allowed them to at least have the piece of mind that their pain was not undergone in vain.
October 31st, 2007 at 5:20 am
I am so pleased to find this blog. I have recently started a blog partly because of my own experiences and because of other peoples experiences I have witnessed whilst living in Indonesia. What I have found most difficult, is that not only do people suffer domestic abuse but the women are still encouraged by friends and relatives to stay in this environment. Despite some parts of Indonesia providing some services to women the social pressures still prevail and many do not access what is available.
November 7th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
Adhunika and Sakhi-Gen2 invite you to attend the upcoming Domestic Violence Outreach Initiative Forum.
As reported by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, one in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. It is an epidemic prevalent across all communities, and cultures. It affects individuals regardless of age, economic status, race, religion, nationality or educational background. Domestic Violence is one of the most chronically under-reported crimes and its impacts last a lifetime.
Domestic Violence needs to be discussed more openly in our communities. It is crucial that we educate ourselves and our communities regarding its prevention and our response to incidents of domestic violence.
Please come out and show our support by hearing Sakhi advocates speak about domestic violence issues and learn how you can help bring an end to domestic violence in our communities.
Here are the details:
Date: Sunday, November 18th
Time: 6:30pm - 8:30pm
Location: World Culture Open Center
19 West 26th Street, 5th Floor
(Near Intersection of Broadway and 26th Street) New York, NY 10001
Subway: 28th street on the N/R/W Line.
Space is limited so please RSVP by November 14th at dva@adhunika.org.
About the Organisers:
Sakhi for South Asian Women is a Manhattan based organization that is committed to ending violence against women of South Asian origin. Sakhi strives to create a voice and safe environment for all South Asian women through outreach, advocacy, leadership development, and organizing. http://www.sakhi.org
Adhunika is a global volunteer based organization, dedicated to promoting technology usage for Bangladeshi women worldwide. Adhunika aims to bring about social change in the lives of women through the use of technology.
http://www.adhunika.org
November 14th, 2007 at 11:03 pm
I’ve met people who’ve gone through tough times (not w/ hubby, but bf). In those cases, the couple was college-aged, so not as mature as we are now. One girl said that the 1st 3 mos were great, BUT after that the bf becaming VERY different. He told her to stay away from her guy pals, dress conservatively, and even ONCE grasped her arm very roughly. He was mostly verbally abusive. She later said she tried harder w/ this guy b/c he was desi (like her).
Also, she traveled w/ this guy, and met his family (in VERY wealthy community of NJ). His mother coddled him like a baby, and treated her very rudely. The father and lil bro were comfy w/ her, BUT these folks turned out to be too srict/religious compared to her own family. She felt like she didn’t fit.
So, I suggest ppl look really seriously at the little things guys do, say, and even (if you can) get to know their family. My dad always says that family reflects on the individual (in some way). Watch out for chauvinistic comments that belittle women also. There are usually warning signs!
Best wishes, EMMA.
November 14th, 2007 at 11:06 pm
Oh, forgot to add…
That guy in question’s family didn’t take photographs, and none of the women ever worked outside the home. He never shared his REAL self w/ his family- lived 2 lives essentially.
EMMA
November 16th, 2007 at 12:44 am
Here is one latest initiative in BD, National Change Makers Assembly to end domestic violence:
http://www.thedailystar.net/story.php?nid=11431
November 20th, 2007 at 7:59 pm
Domestic Violence – a topic unfortunately very dear and near to my heart; Having gone through it for seven years; when I hear people talk about it or when I read about it; I feel it is one of most least understood areas. People assume that checking out a guy’s background based on his activities or family background is an indicator for identifying an abuser. People assume that it is very easy to walk out of an abusive relationship. People assume that victims are typically dependent or weak individuals. Unfortunately, the reality of the matter is quite different.
I underwent seven years of physical, mental and sexual abuse from someone who was meant to be my “husband.†The sad part about it is that as a victim, I did not even realize that I was going through “mental†and “sexual†abuse at the time. It was only after a few years of leaving the relationship; I realized that I was being “raped†by my so called husband. We are taught to believe and think that a husband cannot rape this own wife; instead, it is merely his right. I was probably one of the least expected victims of severe domestic violence. My family lives here; I am US citizen; I am educated; with the grace of Allah, I had a very successful career; I was regarded as a very independent and forward thinking women; financially independent (the primary breadwinner in the seven year relationship). So why did I live with domestic violence for seven years? All my life – I was so focused on making everyone happy; being a good daughter for my parents; being top of my class; being a top performer at work; and finally – I was trying to be a “good wife.†Being in this kind of situation, my abuser gradually cut off social relationships I had; I did not have any exposure to the outside world other than working; I started to believe that I was doing something wrong and he was right and reasonable that the expectations he had from me as Bangladeshi man were reasonable and I am such a failure as a wife; that it caused him to loose this temper and hurt me. As a victim, you also go through the thoughts of one day you abuser will realize what he is doing is wrong and change and learn to appreciate you; As a victim, our society looks at “divorce†as a “taboo†and I did not want to go through life as a “divorced women.â€
As a victim, I was afraid of leaving; believing that he would make my life more miserable and do something worse to destroy my life for good; Most abusers are extremely possessive individuals and can go to any extreme to do anything; they do not think about the consequences they may face as a result. Also, I knew that I could not just walk out one day – he would not allow me to do that. If only I can share some of the torments I went through on a daily basis – beaten to the point where I always had bruises and black eyes was not uncommon; over time – I learned to cover my face with my hands to limit bruises to my face since they were more difficult to cover up; being thrown down flights of stairs; being forced to out in the middle of January with no coat for over an hour; being harassed at work with over 100 calls a day to both myself and work colleagues; receiving threats to hurt my parents; threatening to have dead mice thrown at me.
I am merely sharing these thoughts for other women to get in an insight on bad things can really be. [Maybe I will write separately on examples of the mental and sexual abuse – but most people cannot imagine what they may be] Despite all the abuse I was going through and still hoping that things will change one day; I was strategic on some key items that helped me later to move on. I always maintained separate bank accounts (even though he checked up my finances constantly to track me); did not have a child – a common mistake I see many women do – a child does not fix the problem – only makes it worse; I did not want to raise a child in this kind of environment and did not want the cycle of violence to continue; and planned strategically for over six months on how to leave and put everything in-place first before walking out.
Everyday – I am still trying to recover; and it will take years to recover completely. But in terms of abuser’s profiles: Insecure; Abused mother; Possessive; Controlling; Pessimistic; Always thinking the worse of their wife; Lack of trust; the list goes on…. A man’s religious or lack of religious view; a man’s professional success; and man’s social relationship success with others does not identify an abuser. However, common things to look out for – is how does the man’s mom lead her life; how does the man’s father treat his wife; Domestic abuse or a man’s view towards women is largely driven by their up-bringing at home. Also, I find the broad-minded or open-minded men tend to truly respect women more and do not place double standards on women (e.g., greater probability of not being an abuser). In any case – I am writing this to help increase the awareness on domestic violence.
November 26th, 2007 at 3:41 pm
An interesting article at BBC about India’s ‘pink’ vigilante women, the article mentions, “The pink sorority is not exactly a group of male-bashing feminists - they claim they have returned 11 girls who were thrown out of their homes to their spouses because “women need men to live with”. Read the whole article at:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7068875.stm
thanks,
Shahnaz
December 17th, 2007 at 3:16 am
My sister is in a physically abusive relationship. We, her family, have no idea how to help her. We tell her we are here for her, we have sent her domestic violence handbooks, we have taken her to court to file a restraining order, and still, she says loves him and wants a relationship with him. I have no idea how else to help her. He is currently incarcerated for beating his wife (my sister is the girlfriend and mother of one of his 4 children). Thank God she is beginning to talk to us again. Yet she continues to see him in jail and thinks he is going to be a part of her life when he gets out in June. (he is still married and had a baby with his wife less than a year after she had his child). We have written to her,talked to her, expressing our concerns and love and concern for her and she cannot bring herself to leave him. He has injured her many times. Do you have any suggestions?
January 9th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Very nice article and ensuing commentaries. The adhunika blog does an excellent job in capturing everyday and practical issues that are the cornerstone in the hearts and minds of many young women. It does not merely talk about “fluffy” material.
Thanks,
Lubna
January 28th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Dear Adhunika Readers,
I’m excited to announce the launch of Out Against Abuse, a blog forum on gender abuse in the South Asian community: http://www.outagainstabuse.com.
The main purpose of this forum is to bring together activists, volunteers, survivors, and members of the community to encourage the discussion of gender related abuse and how it affects the South Asian community. We hope through constant dialogue and collaboration we can all learn from each other and work to educate our community on how to end gender related violence in our homes and lives.
Please check out the website, comment on the blog,and start the discussion! I would love to hear your comments and feedback as well. Please email us at info@outagainstabuse.com with any questions/comments/suggestions you may have.
Thank you for taking the first step towards ending gender abuse by educating yourselves and others around you.
Regards,
Sabrin Chowdhury
Founder and Executive Director
Out Against Abuse
“Speak Out, Reach Out, Act Out”