Following article is by our regular participant Labiba Ali. Enjoy!
I am on the phone with Amma and conducting our weekly trans-Atlantic, trans-EuroAsia telephone conversation. Amma updates me on the happenings of our extended family in Dhaka: Nani needs a new bed, my cousin got caught bunking class, Choto Khala and Khalu are going on their 15th honeymoon and so on. Just before ending the call, Amma slightly hints if I’ve met anyone yet. I innocently ask her what she means by that: I am always meeting people; after all I live in NY “ home to gazillion people. Of course I know exactly what she means but I love playing these silly pranks on her. She is referring to if I have me˜The One. I gently tell her, ˜No, not yet. The time isn’t right.” In turn, she delivers an eloquent lecture on the merits of marriage and how the time has already come and is walking out the door as we speak. Since I am in my late twenties I am getting beyond marriageable age. Soon I will have to be retired and put on the back shelf like an old toy. This is what I call major Generation Gap. My mother thinks twenties is the time to settle down, marry and raise kids. And I say that life is only just beginning and it’s time to celebrate the single life! (However, it would be ungrateful of me if I didn’t footnote here that I am privileged to have parents who for the most part have let me live my life as I have dreamed.)
Mind you I’m all for marriage and kids and the house in suburbia with white picket fences but I also truly believe that everyone has their own time, be it at 21 or at 61. It’s great if you have met your life partner and it’s also great if you haven’t. Many of my girlfriends are feeling the pressure to get married and it doesnâ’ help their cause when their friends are getting hitched left and right. We shouldn’ be compelled to settle down with someone just for the sake of marriage or because society wants us to. It’s time that we set our own standards and only get married when we want to and to whom we want to. It doesn’t do anyone any good and least of all us to be in a convenient marriage. Don’t we deserve better than this?
And until we meet the Man of our Dreams (I’m sure he exists in some form or another) let’s not forget to live fulfilling lives where we contribute to our own happiness. A life where we actively pursue our passions be it traveling, taking a cooking class, climbing Mt. Everest, and whatever else our big hearts desire. We women have a bad habit of forgetting to address our needs and spend little time on our own nourishment. Some of that famous nurturing skill of ours needs to be redirected back to us!
All I am saying is that if you are single, enjoy it, lead an inspiring life, and don’t give in to pressures to marry unless you are absolutely ready yourself. And let’s remember to marry someone who complements us, and not completes us. After all, we are complete and wonderful individuals on our own right.
January 29th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Great Article Labiba :)) I am all for it, girls enjoy your singlehood and get married when you feel you are ready and have met the right one. I think its better to be single than to get married to the wrong person. You shouldn’t have to change as a person after you get married. That is the last thing that should happen. Marriage can bring a lot of happiness and you can become part of something more than sharing your life with someone. But that doesn’t mean one cannot be happy when they are single. The traditional idea of marriage should also change, its not like before and parents need to understand that as well. I completely agree with Labiba about the fact that women often forget their own life after they get married. You should always remember where you came from, your friends and other people who are important in your life. Marriage should only be a new beginning, not a solution to end the single life.
January 30th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
I totally agree. I think many women don’t really find out who and what they truly are until they are 30. It may be due to our early socialization which means that we have to struggle to break out of stereotypes. It also helps to live for sometime away from parents for us to get some space to really experiment and express who we are. Taking responsibility for ourselves, learning how to take care of ourselves, paying the rent, cooking, cleaning our own place is a big part of the growing up process that unfortunately many women never go through because they go straight from the parental home to the in-laws or the house they will share with their husband. But it really helps a woman’s self-esteem if she has been through the phase of a responsible single-life. Even if it can be frighteningly lonely at times!
January 30th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Great article and I wholeheartedly agree with each and everyone’s points of views in the blog. Taking the part from Labiba’s article about “being put on the back shelf like an old toy†is so true to our today’s culture. Worse, I hear from my mother’s friends often times that if you are not married by 40s, then basically it is a closed door to the whole concept of marriage – period. My point is that IF having babies are not an issue with a single woman, then why should it be a closed door to anyone who is 40 or 50 or 60 years old ? For companionship, there should be no barrier to any age when it comes to marriage. And yet, its unthinkable for most single woman to be even thinking of getting married if they are beyond 40 years old ! And unlike the old school of thought , I do believe wholeheartedly that a single woman can lead a very productive, happy life provided that is what she wants !
January 30th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Labiba ,
This is such a great article!! I’m so sick of hearing how I’m getting old and if I keep on being this picky I will be spending rest of my life alone.. It seems like every one is watching my biological clock and feel I am not aware of it!!! I don’t believe in getting married for sake of getting married or because I reached a certain age! I have seen enough unhappy couple to believe it is better to be alone than with some one who doesn’t make you happy. I know some family friends do mean well because they don’t know any better and always believe a women needs to be “taken” care of.. But isnt it about time they get a wake up call?? we been doing a damn good job taking care of our self…thank you very mcuh
January 31st, 2008 at 11:28 am
Labiba,
Great article. I definitely understand where you’re coming from. And I feel like the pressures don’t just come from the parents, it seems like especially in the Bangladeshi community, EVERYONE is involved in the whole process and trying to understand why a girl is not married. But I also would like to point out that there ARE girls who married young who are still successful in their careers and are living life on their own accord. So marriage isn’t the end all to your individuality or happiness. You just have to find the right person. I think the most important thing, like Labiba pointed out, is to find someone to SHARE your life with, not someone to MAKE your life with.
Recently I’ve come across some women however who constantly ran away from marriage from fear of being held down…but now are frantically trying to get married and are really depressed. And it seems like they genuinely want to get married, not because of any outside pressures.
So I guess my point is make sure that you know what you want in life so you don’t regret any decisions later on. So if Mr. Right DOES come knocking, don’t ignore him because you’re scared he’ll hold you down.
January 31st, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Nice article Labiba! I am very happy that you brought up this issue. Many Bangladeshi girls are pressured by their parents and relatives for their marriage esp. once they cross the age 25, as if they have crossed the limit to get married. This pressure sometimes has a very bad impact on those girls. They tend to feel that “there is something wrong with me”, “may be it is too late”, “may be there is no Mr. Right for me or I should have got by now”…very few girls can be strong enough to deal with the way you(Labiba) deal with or take it easily and understand that time and the perfect choice will make things happen…..These pressure by parents & relatives also affects some’s career & social life!
I know a friend who is working in a very good company. Everyday her mom calls from home to remind her how late it is getting for her to get married. She is loosing her interest in her job and also she tries to avoid her relatives and social parties where every body will irritate her with questions on her very personal life…her decisions….sometimes she thinks may be she is doing somehting wrong…may be every body else is right!! Such a mess on smooth life that she was enjoying!!
I believe that, as long as you know what is right for you and whats not and you know your destination you should always be strong enough to deal with these issues. Never feel ashamed or sorry because others said so….things will nicely turn into you if you follow the right track in towards your destination….sometimes you may get the repsonse a little late from Mr. Right…but just because others pressure never agree on something your heart does not support..
Thanks again Labiba for the nice write up
February 2nd, 2008 at 9:56 pm
I agree w/ you, Labiba! very interesting post. Nobody mentioned (so far) that MANY BD gals (or ABCD) gals DO NOT start dating/mtg guys their parents like/etc. until they are older (like out of college or so). So, they have a LATE start to the whole finding a hubby deal! I was (a little) shocked to find out that some ladies (who are WAAAAY more prettier than me) had not dated until age 23 or so!!! It takes time to figure out this stuff, IMHO. For instance, I’m not the type of person to jump into things w/ a snap of a finger. In this day and age- it’s just NOT safe! We need to like, respect, and get to know a guy (in different situations) before “settling down.”
EMMA
February 4th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Great article! It all comes down to what you want in life and your priorities. I got married when I was 23 and do not regret my decision at all since I think my husband ,as Labiba mentioned, compliments me. It worked for me and still working since I haven’t compromised my priorities or my life’s happiness. It just added on to that.
But I have many friends who are in their late 20’s and still unmarried. They are not compromising their lives either and living it to the fullest. They are happy and will get married when the time feels right to them.The only problem (to some of them) is the continuous whining of their parents about how time is passing by.
So all in all, I just think parents sometimes have to let go few of their traditional ideas. Time has changed and so does lifestyle.
Do what you feel is right!!
February 5th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Labiba, you are right - ‘no one should be compelled to settle down with someone just for the sake of marriage or because society wants us to’…
What I would really like to see change, is not only the traditional mind-set of the parents, but also the mindset of the guys who tend to settle down with girls much younger than their age, because that’s the norm!!!.
It seems even the guys (the so called educated) in their late 30’s are also looking for girls in their early 20’s when it comes to tie the knot, somehow girls crossing the age 30 has an expiration date written on them!… if the guys don’t become vocal about these ill practices, I don’t think parents will give much thought about the disparity.
Anyway, Labiba, hope you find ‘the right one’ whenever you are ready… not sure though how one go about finding ‘the right one’:)
February 6th, 2008 at 12:18 am
Good see a lots of response to this post. I guess its a good time to ask ourselves how do we know who is “Mr Right” and who is not?
Is it a combintion of
- Appearance (”dekte shunte bhalo”)
-family background
- profession/career
- income range(or future potential)
- integrity
- compatibility (gets along well) etc?
If you have to pick only one or two things from the list I mentioned, which one or two would you pick?
I am hoping we are not thinking “When Mr Right is there, my heart would know”. Unless your heart (I mean the brain) has done some homework it would be little hard to “just know” it.
It we can’t change our steriotype mindset I guess its not too fair to ask the parents or the guys to change theirs:).
-Sharmin
February 6th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Shahnaz Apa, why would a girl be interested anyway in a guy who is looking for someone younger, right? In that case you obviously have different expectations from marriage, and want a different dynamic of relationship. It’s not even worth thinking that you will change your mind. It’s a very common male mentality, when you jump up a rank career wise, you think you can do ‘much better’ meaning prettier, younger, and from a family that is socially more established.
I hear this time and time again, even from non-bangali guy friends - guys are intimidated by smart women. To be honest I’ve thought about these things so much in my early twenties and now i’m so sick of thinking about them, that my policy is…yes I want someone. Big deal, we all do. But since I haven’t met that person, I will have to suck it up and deal with it…I know when I find him I’ll appreciate him more.
Sharmin, you missed out honesty and compassion. Very basic, I know but then so is integrity
And its as important, I think.
February 6th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
some thoughts and comments:
the idea of marriage is oh so romantic and wonderful, whoever came up with such an arbitrary social construct must have been a truly great thinker. conceptually, it is almost as ridiculous and unbelievable as the immaculate conception. because, really, did people ever need marriage in order to reproduce? or did marriages put an end to “unlawful” liaisons? or stop parents from walking out on their children… i could go on forever…
now on to the romantic notion of marriage… is it really all that? how many married couples have each one of you met who can tell you they are living the life bound in wedlock? well, personally, i have met a few. i am not one who doesn’t believe that two people absolutely cannot live a happy life together… sure they can… but i really don’t think marriage is either necessary, or helpful.
people were happy with each other before some genius instituted marriage. and they will continue to do so… with or without marriage…
February 7th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Great points Labiba! Isn’t it sad that we have been dealing with this same issue for a long time now? Our reactions have been the same about this, some of us gave in to marriage, some are happy and some realized what a mistake it was, some of us resisted this social bind and some of us have found a great balance in between. It always bothers me how people put a definite line between marriage and single hood, and that’s not just Bangladeshis, it exists here in America or in other parts of the world too… Things that you mentioned like traveling, reading, writing, doing whatever we want to when we are single before we settle for kids and white picket fence, I often wonder why can’t there be a middle ground. I wonder if the life of a married person and a single person was less different would things seem easier. I mean what is the basic difference between a single person and a married one? It’s just that one of them has a life partner who they are committed to, and a single person is not committed to anyone yet. This should really be the only basic difference between the two kinds, the rest of it is just rules and ideas imposed by the society, how one should live, act, feel when they are married as oppose to when they are single… I think it’s time for us to break those restrictions, expectations put on singles and married people, I want those labels to disappear and for people to know us for who we are and not by our martial status.
February 8th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Hmmm… all valid points pointed out here. Marriage has changed SO much over the yrs, even though WE all think of it as a “love” thang now!
Marriage started out as a way to determine paternity- which man is responsible of supporting which woman/her kids. It was a way of saying to society that- hey, this woman/man is mine, and hands-off of that person.
In early America, ppl were ruled by their (Christian) religion, and they married early, and had many kids b/c that was the norm. Before 1900, almost 90% of US was engaged in farming, w/ wife and kids pitching in w/ hubby. In the West, men and women died off, and those who didn’t married up in what we’d now consider “marriage of convenience.” They had to b/c they needed a man to survive!
In today’s world, we are luckier than those other folks. We have MUCH easier lives, malleable values, and can make CHOICES. But sometimes, too much choice is confusing to us, as my Dad says. And some values (IMHO) should not be compromised.
EMMA
February 10th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Thank you to everyone for your comments. Everyone has a valid point and it was interesting to see the different perspectives and how we all see marriage differently or have different sets of criteria in a life partner. That just adds to the flavor, doesn’t it? What is really important is that at the end of the day we can look back at our lives and say that we have truly lived it on our own terms, be it as a single or a married woman. Life shouldn’t end at the marriage altar or if one remains single. We alone are responsible for living our lives to the fullest at each point of its course (husband or no husband! ;).
February 11th, 2008 at 9:23 am
This is the one-liner that makes a lot of sense to me “50 is the new 35″ ………
The time bomb which everyone - mostly family and relatives — told me was ticking away for me, never made much sense and yet was able to make me feel pressurized and down at times….
Times have changed for sure however, and the gentlest way to be able to deal with this is to know how you feel about it. Parents can be cruel without meaning it and cause a lot of pain for a girl in our society but take heart from examples of friends and known people.
The one thing that remains to change a LOT in this subcontinent is men an their attitude but hopefully we will also contribute to “educating” them.
A marriage can be very very fulfilling ONLY if you are ready for it, or to put it more bluntly — you want to be married. If not a single life has equal blessings. In fact you can have less burdens in singlehood.
So to all my sisters out there who are not ready for a marriage yet, and who are being pressurized for one by well meaning (or else!) people…KEEP heart…times ARE changing every day, by the minute and by the second…..
Just concentrate on your own self and what makes you happy — in the long run, THAT brings about the maximum amount of benefit to all.
February 18th, 2008 at 11:59 am
It is true that pressure from family & friends can make some of us single girls go into a marriage we r prolly not ready for. I know many single girls who have left bangladesh & choose to stay away to avoid such pressure.
In my case I want to get married coz I need companionship in life, be it now or after 5 years. If I know a person fulfills my requirements of companionship widout obscuring my focus in life I’ll go for him. Also some of us have an idea about when we’d like to get married. Some would like to finish their education b4 marriage, some would like to have a stable job b4 marriage & so on. Smtimes it becomes hard to find smone at the time we’d like to find & its den that the social pressure becomes intolerable!