adhunika blog

From our participant Rebecca Khan, Enjoy!

It has been a good few weeks since I returned from my most recent trip to Dhaka and Bangkok and I cannot seem to shake off feeling down and out about being back to cold, dreary Canada.  I knew that besides the sappy grin on my husband’s face, it was the snow-covered ground and sub-zero temperature that would await me.

I wonder why my depression from being back this time is more intensified than others? Is it because of all the fun-filled days leading up to my cousin’s wedding extravaganza, the days and nights spent at their house with all our other relatives, watching them rehearse for the “gaya holud” song and dance numbers, helping wrap the mishti to be sent to the girls’ home, assisting in other little ways, whatever it was, it was always a communal effort, amidst the fun, jesting, and above all lots of laughter, boy was their laughter! There were myriads of people coming and going in rotation at the “biye bari”  - nanis, dadis, khalas, chachis, cousins, phuppis, friends, other hosts of relatives and of course the ever present house staff, who can forget about them? Those days of family fun brings a smile on my face when I sit in silence at home alone when my husband is off to work. I thought I would take it slow and easy before looking for my next consulting assignment but now I’m thinking I’ll speed up the process!

But if the truth be told, when I mull over why I crave to be back in Dhaka the most, the faces of my lovely but now aging parents surface to the forefront. By the grace of God, they lead a cozy, comfortable life in Dhaka and upon all my requests, decline to travel to this part anymore because of the vast distance and my father’s health. Mind you, he is not physically ailing except the slight weaknesses that are to be expected with aging, but he has been in a mental funk since suffering a stroke in 2002 and even after seeking help, the situation worsens. And unfortunately, much work is left to be done when it comes to mental health awareness in the larger society back home.  My mother, aside from a few common age-related nuisances, is doing fine by God’s grace but try living with a depressed spouse for as long as she has, and she will tell you the toll it can take!  But all in all, she has figured out a coping mechanism that seems to work on a good day. Our meddling but perhaps well-meaning (depending on one’s outlook) society will not spare anyone unsolicited advice – people continue to advise her on how she should differently handle matters (in this case my mentally depressed father) and for such instances she has only one response “not until you live in my shoes.” For now, they are still capable of taking care of themselves but I worry about time to come, down the road. We children rarely get the opportunity to live close enough to our parents in adulthood. My sister, while lives in nearby Mumbai, has two small children  and is binded with the responsibilities of motherhood and marriage and therefore not very mobile or flexible. At the end of it all, at least I know in Dhaka they have many amenities at their disposal they can take advantage of and most importantly, during times of crisis as has been proven time and again,  the support is there from family and friends, despite everyone’s busy, chaotic lives.  I know Dhaka is the right place for them at this juncture of their lives.

I have a friend going through the same kind of mental downturn. She has also recently returned from Dhaka after a 5-week stay. She has taken drastic measures and resigned from her regular, stable job because of her inability to focus…”mone pore ache Dhakai”. We had hours of phone conversation about life back in the motherland and being with family and all the positives of it. We are too deep into the good of it to see the negatives at present. My problem being back is that ‘amar mon boshche na”. One part of my heart and mind is back there with my parents who I worry for now more than I ever have in the past whereas the other lies here at home with my husband. I was telling him to seriously consider relocating to the charmed life in Southeast Asia, where I grew up, provided of course he gets a golden opportunity of some sort – that way, at least we get to be a plane ride away from our loved ones. I think many women can resonate this feeling of two-mind sets. But that is the cycle of life. We grow up, some of us choose to leave the nest earlier for college, many of us get married, take on new responsibilities and relocate,  and so the cycle continues. In the bigger scheme of things, it is all part of a trade off, but that’s an article to be saved for another day!

I am happy to report that since I first penned this article, I am feeling better every day and speaking to my parents more frequently helps the process. They will be flying to Mumbai to visit my sister and her family this month and let’s hope that does my father some much needed good.