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Below please find the blog post on Out Against Abuse, which serves as an information resource and link to domestic violence agencies and activists all over the country.

http://www.outagainstabuse.com/2008/10/03/survivor-question-on-spouse-visa/

I have emailed all the activists in my network and hope to provide you with a list of additional resources and possible solutions. It is so sad to hear about such incidents and the best we can do is join together and utilize all our resources.

Please let me know if you have any additional questions and let your friend also know about the link and to keep periodically checking back for updated information.

Thanks,
Out Against Abuse

These are the times I wonder what really makes us to take a step to stop brutal behavior.

This morning I received a call from a frined who lives in a very small town in US, she told me one of her friends were brutally beaten up by her husband - in the presence of that girl’s mother-in-law and guests who came for a Eid dinner. My friend who was not present at the dinner but heard from other pple of this incident was shocked to find out that no one took the girl to the hospital and advised other not to discuss about this, because if the girl were taken to the hospital then it would be reported to the police… and it will give a bad reputation to the handful Bangladeshi pple who live the community. The girl wanted to call the police and pple present in the dinner akes her not to, things will work out, she needs to be patient and pray…

When my friend found out about this incident she requested almost every gilrs who were present at the dinner to report the incident to the police, and the answers were - we hardly know this girl/ we don’t want to upset the husband/she must have done something to upset the husband/ it’s not my business.

So, my friend called me asked to know what should the girl do, here is the situation, she is on a spouse visa, doesn’t work and depend on her husband’s salary, has two children (a teenage daughter and a 5 year old boy), and the beating and shouting has been going on for years, now it seems to be going out of control.

My friend is worried about the girl since the husband beat the wife in front of everyone and no one reported the incident to the hospital/police, he will not stop being violent.

Help!

thanks,
Shahnaz

I dont know how many women try..or wish to keep their husband and in-laws happy by doing things, including some, that they wouldnt otherwise do….

But i am aware the number is very large.

In every kind of relationship we do things to keep others happy to some extent or the other. Like we dont play the music loud ( cause mommy dearest will lose it…..dont leave the table untidy cause daddydearest will not like it etc etc) ..however in the in-law situation in Bangladesh…we all live a kind of artificial life.

Its i guess all for the sake of peaceful coexistence.

However, there is (AND SHOULD BE) always a line..

My ma-in-law has taken a real dislike to me because i dont do half the things she “expects/wishes/dreams” of me doing. This include stuff as what she things not a son but a “BOU” should do….including running her very personal errands.

On my hand i have stopped being irritated by her as i have realised she is just a person from another time or planet, with all due respect.

How can i agree with her when she thinks doing the hard stuff like cooking/washing/housekeeping/caring is the “GIRL’S” job and not the sons …while all the better things like “pursuing one;s hobby or dreams” is a son’s privilege…and cant be extended to the daughter-in-law!

Ofcourse it CAn be extended to the daughter’s perhaps….

I dont even talk to her about it anymore. Though i do suffer a pang, that unlike a friend in my mother, i have non in my ma-in-law.

However, these thoughts and situations make me search all around me for other signs of this in the society..am i the ONLY one that suffers? Am i the ONLY one that complains..i wonder….cause talking about in-law problems though the most prevelant topic of discussion in Bangladesh, is never the less non-existence on paper. On records. In History. And in the fashionable reality of live we live on the face of it ( meaning the face we show to society, friends and relatives)

Our newspapers and magazines are so REAL that they never talk about in-law problems or situations..Stories if published (IF-ever that is) focus on good stories, positive case studies etc etc….

O, i have missed one point…. Its like society as a whole BEHAVES as if ONLY THE POOR HAVE IN-LAW problems (espe mothr-in-law ones) and not the middle class ( who aspire to be pretencious ) and the elite, who in general are pretencious!

Was that a biased thing to say ?? not at all..for with the exception of EXCEPTIONS…thats the kid of life we mostly need. Everyone tries to pretend/feign a life that dont exist.

and in the middle class /upper middle class and the upper clases we NEVER admit problems, expecially houshold ones.

In ther words, people almost seem to be ashamed to reveal that there ARE problems…

We live such a “make-beleive” life that I cant even begin to say how tired i am of it.

I read what Rabbi Shmuley says …..I would LOVE TO THINK it has to be ALWAYS applied to MEN IN BANGLADESGH hehehe because men in bangladesh ( in general again) have NO CONTROL over their actions…..under the influence of alcohol or else!

However i am not so biased in my beleifs and practices, but thinking prudently..i would practise many of these in bangladesh. It might sound very crude to say this but people here, have so little education about relationship etiqettes and ethics, that they dont know what the boundaries are most of the time.

OK..I may be posting this reponse to the wrng link….Shahnaz help!!!

Here is a realted intersting article from MSN

Can men and women be friends:
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articleoprahmatch.aspx?cp-documentid=9073643&GT1=32023
…
Things are different if you are married, Rabbi Shmuley says. It is possible to have an opposite sex friendship, but you cannot compromise certain borders:

You can’t go out to late night dinners together. You can have lunch together in a public place, but you should not order alcoholic beverages. “The embers of attraction really can grow in situations like that, and suddenly it’s not so innocent, it’s not just friendship anymore,” Rabbi Shmuley says.

You can’t take long drives or long flights with the other person, even if it’s for work. “Even if you have to work with a colleague [of the opposite sex], there are still certain boundaries you need to preserve,” he says.

You cannot place yourself in any situation where romance can grow. “Romance grows when people are alone; romance grows when people tell secrets,” Rabbi Shmuley says.

You can’t share secrets with a platonic male or female friend that you don’t share with your spouse. “Because then you’re sharing an exclusivity with a member of the opposite sex that you’re not with your partner, and that can lead to a big no-no,” he says.

What do our readers think?

-Sharmin

I would rather think in other direction, what are the secrets of couples that are having a happy long couple life? According to “Shesher Kobita” couples has to find their love for differnt reasons as their couple-ship grows, otherwsie it might face challenges (this is not an exact translation though, it was pretty much the idea as far I remember).

Marriage is a very special realtionship though it would be incorrect to assume there is 100% things in common between two ppl in a marriage, It would be intersting to hear about how ppl get along inspite of their differences. Most ppl find a common ground, love for their offsprings is a very common one I assume.

-Sharmin

Thanks for such a nice article! I believe will power can take you to your dream. However, I totally agree with Dr. Firoza Begum that spouse plays significant role in balancing work and family lives for women. Of course one will need to sacrifice to some extent but that is not so much of a big deal. Life is pretty tough as I work full time with 2 children. The older one is 9 and has many different after school activities (such as basketball, piano, swimming, advanced math, etc.) throughout the week. Then there are many different social activities over the weekends. Depending on work load, I sometimes need to bring some work to home since I can’t work long hours because of day care closing time. On top of everything I still maintain a pretty balanced life which would not be possible if my husband didn’t co-operate. We don’t bother about eating deshi style dinner with rice and 4/5 dishes every night. Instead we try to eat healthy. There are some things we can’t do but we find alternate that we’d enjoy. Because we both work and have a newborn in the house, we try to plan things ahead so we can get the best of our times together. As far as maternity leave, I really enjoyed staying home with my newborn for 12 weeks. My husband took some time off to stay home with us as well.

- Ishret

Thanks for such a nice article! I believe will power can take you to your dream. However, I totally agree with Dr. Feroza Begum that spouse plays significant role in balancing work and family lives for women. Of course one will need to sacrifice to some extent but that is not so much of a big deal. Life is pretty tough as I work full time with 2 children. The older one is 9 and has many different after school activities (such as basketball, piano, swimming, advanced math, etc.) throughout the week. Then there are many different social activities over the weekends. Depending on work load, I sometimes need to bring some work to home since I can’t work long hours because of day care closing time. On top of everything I still maintain a pretty balanced life which would not be possible if my husband didn’t co-operate. We don’t bother about eating deshi style dinner with rice and 4/5 dishes every night. Instead we try to eat healthy. There are some things we can’t do but we find alternate that we’d enjoy. Because we both work and have a newborn in the house, we try to plan things ahead so we can get the best of our times together. As far as maternity leave, I really enjoyed staying home with my newborn for 12 weeks. My husband took some time off to stay home with us as well.

- Ishret

I am not sure to what extent such measures are enforced in Bangladesh.